Wednesday, August 28, 2013

How to Conduct a Regime Change on the Cheap

Dear President-for-Now Assad.  Here in America we have a saying that we use to solve problems.  We call it, “Follow the money.”  We would like to extend to you this generous offer.


You have forty-eight hours to join your numbered bank accounts in Bern, Switzerland.  If you are still located within the borders of the Middle East upon the expiration of this deadline, you will be placed upon The List.  The List is special; very few people have seen it and the names tend to change abruptly.  Other famous names that have graced The List include Anwar al-Awlaki and Osama bin Laden.


The presence of your name on The List is intended to be temporary, but you cannot be sure exactly how temporary.  Middle Eastern dictators have a well-deserved reputation for lavish lifestyles.  We encourage you to live every day as if it may be your last, because that will be a very real possibility.  Enjoy the sun on your face as you fruitlessly scan the skies for the drone that is hunting you.  We want you to appreciate that the last thing to go through your mind will be a jet of molten copper from a Hellfire missile.


Alternatively, the Alps are always lovely.



The United States of America


p.s:  To the people of Syria; try not to stand within one hundred yards of your beloved leader.