Dear President-for-Now Assad. Here in
we have a saying that we
use to solve problems. We call it, “Follow
the money.” We would like to extend to
you this generous offer. America
You have forty-eight hours to join your numbered bank accounts in
. If you are still located within the borders
of the Bern, Switzerland Middle East upon the expiration of this
deadline, you will be placed upon The List.
The List is special; very few people have seen it and the names tend to
change abruptly. Other famous names that
have graced The List include Anwar al-Awlaki and Osama bin Laden.
The presence of your name on The List is intended to be temporary, but you cannot be sure exactly how temporary. Middle Eastern dictators have a well-deserved reputation for lavish lifestyles. We encourage you to live every day as if it may be your last, because that will be a very real possibility. Enjoy the sun on your face as you fruitlessly scan the skies for the drone that is hunting you. We want you to appreciate that the last thing to go through your mind will be a jet of molten copper from a Hellfire missile.
States of America
p.s: To the people of
try not to stand within one hundred yards of your beloved leader. Syria;